You + Me: How My Dog Is Preparing Me for a Child

I never really got those people who dedicated their whole life to there dogs/children. That was until we brought home Martha, an adorable black lab. My god you would think I actually gave birth to this fur ball the way I obsess over her. My husband and I have never really been pet people but I guess we still aren't just because our dog is pretty much our child.

HOWEVER... this dog is literally a CHILD. Well, hopefully our child doesn't eat the walls or rocks but to be honest I have heard weirder stories.

So my husband and I commute about 1-1.5 everyday to work and obviously this little monster can't be trusted within feet of anything that can be chewed so we have developed a little routine. Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays Martha is dropped off at Doggy Day Care for some fun time. (Yes I'm effing serious and guess what.. dog care is more expensive then child care. Needless to say if I decide to stay home when we have kids that will be the first thing to go.) Tuesdays and Thursdays the little beast takes over our downstairs "play room" and we baby gate her off from the rest of the house. You would think that this would be a good solution - NOPE. This little biotch eats the walls.. eats her bed.. pees on her bones and runs in her poop. She has a designated "waste" area that she uses when she is free and she is very much house broken.. she just chooses to express her anger with us leaving her home this way.

So ANYWAYS I get home from the longest day ever at work and Jake is driving home from NH so I am on my own to get everything all set with the dog, lunches for tomorrow and dinner. I have to scrub and sanitize the whole downstairs since she made the biggest mess EVER (she was especially pissed today because we had been home with her for the past 6 days due to the holiday) and while I clean up she is jumping all over me FILLED with energy and knocking everything over in sight upstairs since she is running around the house like a crazy person.

Dinner was fairly easy since we cooked up a 30 lb turkey on Sunday (I LOVE turkey dinner leftovers) but some how Martha finds a way to make it a living hell for me. She jumps up on the counters and tries to pull the turkey down (which thank god I gracefully saved) and while I'm trying to clean the floor which is now covered in turkey juice and Martha fur - the potatoes boil over and start going all over the place. Martha sees this as an opportunity to jump up and grab her big bag of treats on the counter and make an even bigger mess.

Now mind - you we took Martha to doggy kindergarten and tried to teach her to be an obedient and respectful puppy.

Her response: OH HELL NO.

She is kind of like her mommy - she marches to her own drum.

One thing is for certain - our dog is a fantastic snuggler and she loves her parents and we love her.

So quick overview of how my dog is preparing me for motherhood:

1. Before my dog I have never really had the responsibility of feeding, caring for and cleaning up anyone else besides myself - she is completely helpless and will never not need me to care for her

2. She poops non-stop and I always have to clean it up - OK my husband is really the main care giver in that sense

3. Her food is organic and effing expensive. Jake and I will eat mac and cheese just so this dog will get her healthy food for her over active stomach.

4. This dog will look at us funny and we will rush her to the animal hospital... we finally decided to get her pet insurance because it helps make her million doctor trips cheaper

5. Daycare - absolutely ridiculous for a dog.. NECESSARY for our sanity

6. We put on animal planet when we are cooking because it keeps her busy and she barks at the other dogs and birds on the TV. She's really not TOO bright.

7. We no longer plan trips to Miami for vacation.. we now go to pet friendly resorts on Martha's Vineyard or New Hampshire.. anywhere where she is welcome and we can keep her busy

8. No matter what she chews or how bad she is being or how much she pisses us off.. we adore her and couldn't imagine our lives without her

OK - I know I sound like a crazy dog person but really I'm not.

This dog just makes me so happy... no not all the time.. it's not like she is a purse or anything.

I know that once we start having kids our poor little Martha will have to take the back seat (I mean this literally as well as figuratively) and we understand that. But for now.. she is our little girl.